I just can't figure this out. Why do stupid things upset me so much? I dont want to argue anymore; I dont want to cry anymore. I'm just tired. Why should I be angry at him for things that I know I have no right to be angry about? Why do I want him with me all the time? No, thats not it at all. It's more like I want him to want to be with me. I want him to need me-I need to be needed. Thats really it, isn't it? If he doesnt need me, but I need him, I'm vulnerable. I think I finally understand now.

Its just this terrible fear I have. I'm so afraid of being alone, afraid he's going to hurt me. Its not that I doubt his feelings for me. I know he loves me, I know for sure. Its just that Im afraid those feelings will change. He doesn't need me like he used to, and it terrifies me. What if all my insecurities become too much for him? I wouldn't blame him. I wish I could change it. I wish I would stop being so stupid and sensitive and be normal for once. Yet, in spite of my overwhelming desire to change, I can't stop being the way I am.

It would be easier if I had no feelings at all, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it stop hurting then? Even my past wouldn't hurt then. Then I wouldn't be so helpless and the things he did wouldn't matter. Then again, I wouldn't love him either. The feeling of instant happiness I get just from seeing his face or hearing his voice would cease to exist. I need him so bad; I love him so much.

I'm so afraid of abandonment, I always have been. Ever since I was little, and I first started having nightmares about my parents leaving me, I've been afraid. I just need to trust him with my whole heart. I used to, you know, and things were better then. When he lied to me, though, it hurt so much. It still does. I just dont know what else he's lying about.

If he says he'll do something one day, then does the opposite then next, what am I to think? Especially when he tries to lie about it and keep it from me. Does he really think so little of me? Why did he break his promise, why? If he broke that promise, what am I to do, what am I to think? I can't leave him because I love him, and I need him, and, yes, I even forgive him. I forgive him for lying to me and hurting me so badly. I forgive him, but I can't forget it because I'm afraid to trust him now.

If he broke that promise so freely, if he changes his mind about things so quickly, could he not also change his mind about me? What if he just decides he doesn't love me one day? What if he just stops out of nowhere, the way Andrew did? He broke one promise, he can break the promise to stay with me, to love me, forever just as easily. Then I would be alone. Painful as it would be, I would rather be alone than be with somebody other than him. Basically, the man holds my heart in the palm of his hand, and it terrifies me.

That's my rant for today, Candy